So who knew when I said those words - for better or worse - that the worse would surely be tested well and truly, it often feels like we have had far more worse than better, but we are still here battling on despite the trials and tribulations of failed business, mental illness and 6 kids amongst other things.
Well this week has been a happy week that for the first time in a quite a while, the man has made me proud :) - first he started doing volunteer work at Lifeline with a view to going back to work, you have no idea how much this means to me - even if he doesn't get paid work out of it (which btw would be awesome and take the burden of being the provider for our family off me and would allow me to only work part time of maybe I can dream about being a SAHM) but it gets him out of the house and interacting with real people again and maybe just maybe we have crossed to the other side of the mental illness hurdle.
The other thing totally took me by surprise and bought a tear to me eye, lets start with a bit of background. If you have read this blog you will know I commited myself to doing 12 RAOK this year, well I was cruising along sitting at 5 or 6 I have lost track, well let me just say Darren has taken the bull by the horns and run with the idea and I think with one little act this week and trumped me hands down in the giving dept.
We went to Aldi to pick up a couple of things, I stayed in the car with the 3 boys while he ran in, when he came out i turned to see him talking to a lady at her car, didn't think anymore of it, when he came over I said whio was that, did you know her. He said no - she was nice to me in the shop, she was polite and gave me the biggest smile. He looked at her shopping and saw she only had basic items in there as so many pensioners do these days. So after he had paid, he saw he in the carpark, went over to her, asked her if she liked chocolate biscuits - well who doesn't of course she did so he gave her the packet of Aldi tim tams he had just bought, just because she was nice to him. I only wish I could have seen her face. But it makes my heart smile - I hope it did the same for her.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
one step forward......
10 steps backwards. Thats how I feel today, just when I saw it, that tiny glimmering, shiny light at the end of the tunnel, its gone and I am plunged back into darkness, alone, scared and just plain tired. I can't see my way out, I know its there somewhere - probably closer than I realise but still too far.. In reality if I am truly honest with myself I know what I should do, but for some reason I can't. I am changed,I will never be the same again, is that a good thing? The jury is still out, if it takes this experience to make me wake up to reality, to make me see the light then ok I can probably deal with it and come out the other side stronger, tougher and more myself than I have ever been but on the other hand its possible hell its even probable that I will do nothing, learn nothing and still be in the same place years from now moaning about my messed up life.
So what is the answer, the magical solution........I wish in knew.......
and oh Happy Mothers Day........yeah right!!!!!
So what is the answer, the magical solution........I wish in knew.......
and oh Happy Mothers Day........yeah right!!!!!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
knitting
And now on a sour note - for those that feel the need to question me - yes I have 2 blogs - this one while I will share what I have written from time to time on facebook it is a place for me to write whatever I like. None of my family, workmates or some friends do not know about this one, nor are they facebook friends so I feel free to rant rave and curse about my life, my job or whatever takes my fancy.
So while I don't need to explain myself I have so please stop questioning me
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Mish Mash
as per title this post is a bit of a mish mash of happenings
so lets start with the most important - I am now mum to 6 little monkeys.
Sawyer Phoenix was born on 4/3/11 weighing 7 pound 13ounces - our smallest baby by a long shot. I am putting it down to a more stressful, difficult pregnancy but he is super healthy so who cares about the rest now
He is just perfect and beautiful and I am so in love with this latest little miracle, and still feeling those little pangs of sadness that each day I will never again have a baby this age again. I think about it everyday but I do know in my heart it is the best decision for any number of reasons.
so now that I have introduced my little sausage man to you all i suppose I could update on some of the other things happening around this place.
The big one for me is finally after having moved 14 months ago now we have finally decided to make our departure from the Gold Coast permanent and sell the house. This was a very hard decision and we almost went back but at the end of the day the main we moved out of the city to have more financial freedom to allow me to stop working fulltime and give the kids a better life, those desires haven't changed so the only way to do that is to be away from there. Keep your fingers crossed the house sells for the right price and in turn we can buy what we want at a great price.
On a smaller scale with my goals for the year well hmmmm lets just say things have stalled a little
- my RAOK goal - I have some catching up to do, my current tally is 2 but am looking to rectify that shortly
- decluttering goal - more catching up I think although I did just take a bag of 30 items of clothing to lifeline last week - that takes my total to 90 items and I do have a crapload of baby girls things to get rid of still!!!!!!
as far as my list of things I want to learn goes well I have done a lot of research into soap making and quilting so I am confident I will achieve those goals soon
and some gratuitous photos of the monkeys cos I can lol
so lets start with the most important - I am now mum to 6 little monkeys.
Sawyer Phoenix was born on 4/3/11 weighing 7 pound 13ounces - our smallest baby by a long shot. I am putting it down to a more stressful, difficult pregnancy but he is super healthy so who cares about the rest now
The big one for me is finally after having moved 14 months ago now we have finally decided to make our departure from the Gold Coast permanent and sell the house. This was a very hard decision and we almost went back but at the end of the day the main we moved out of the city to have more financial freedom to allow me to stop working fulltime and give the kids a better life, those desires haven't changed so the only way to do that is to be away from there. Keep your fingers crossed the house sells for the right price and in turn we can buy what we want at a great price.
On a smaller scale with my goals for the year well hmmmm lets just say things have stalled a little
- my RAOK goal - I have some catching up to do, my current tally is 2 but am looking to rectify that shortly
- decluttering goal - more catching up I think although I did just take a bag of 30 items of clothing to lifeline last week - that takes my total to 90 items and I do have a crapload of baby girls things to get rid of still!!!!!!
as far as my list of things I want to learn goes well I have done a lot of research into soap making and quilting so I am confident I will achieve those goals soon
and some gratuitous photos of the monkeys cos I can lol
Friday, April 1, 2011
That sinking feeling
** WARNING ** this post will contain prolific swearing, if you don't like it, don't read it - simple
I know I should be here writing about the birth of my beautiful son - and I will - but right now I am not in that head space and I need to write my feelings down or I may kill someone.
I have that sinking feeling that my marriage may be over, I don't feel it anymore, all I feel is empty, used, and let down and I am tired of the constant battle, I am scared that it might just be not worth the fight anymore.
I don't know what to do or say to him to make him fucking wake up to himself and see what he is doing to us, not just me - all of us. The worst part is - he knows, he already fucking knows and all I can assume is that he doesn't care about any of us. Surely if he did then he would get up of his fat arse and do something, anything. Yes I know he has issues but I am sick of making excuses for his behaviour and trying to get him to help himself .
He doesn't deserve us, not any of us but you know if it was just about me well then so be it - but you know what it is my job to protect these beautiful children and quite frankly I am not. I am scared to death that between the 2 of us we are seriously fucking these kids up - I am far from the perfect mother, and I mean really far but I care enough to want to improve, to want my kids to be the best people they can be. He just doesn't seem to give a rats arse and continues to abuse abuse abuse. That really stings... just writing it, facing up to it, owning it....he is abusive.....there I said it.
But the million dollar question is then - what next? I know what people would say.....just leave! Its just not that simple - there are 6 children, where do I go, how do I get there, how do I pay the bills, live????????
Its irresponsible and unfair to stay for convenience but I can't see a way out, I sure as shit can't go back to the gold coast - I can't pay the mortgage on that place on my own and if we sell it my half certainly wouldn't buy me anything else and I damn well know he would never work and wouldn't pay child support.
It makes me sad, I know the person he was and could be but for whatever reason he chooses this version of himself and/or won't get the help he needs
I am heartbroken
I know I should be here writing about the birth of my beautiful son - and I will - but right now I am not in that head space and I need to write my feelings down or I may kill someone.
I have that sinking feeling that my marriage may be over, I don't feel it anymore, all I feel is empty, used, and let down and I am tired of the constant battle, I am scared that it might just be not worth the fight anymore.
I don't know what to do or say to him to make him fucking wake up to himself and see what he is doing to us, not just me - all of us. The worst part is - he knows, he already fucking knows and all I can assume is that he doesn't care about any of us. Surely if he did then he would get up of his fat arse and do something, anything. Yes I know he has issues but I am sick of making excuses for his behaviour and trying to get him to help himself .
He doesn't deserve us, not any of us but you know if it was just about me well then so be it - but you know what it is my job to protect these beautiful children and quite frankly I am not. I am scared to death that between the 2 of us we are seriously fucking these kids up - I am far from the perfect mother, and I mean really far but I care enough to want to improve, to want my kids to be the best people they can be. He just doesn't seem to give a rats arse and continues to abuse abuse abuse. That really stings... just writing it, facing up to it, owning it....he is abusive.....there I said it.
But the million dollar question is then - what next? I know what people would say.....just leave! Its just not that simple - there are 6 children, where do I go, how do I get there, how do I pay the bills, live????????
Its irresponsible and unfair to stay for convenience but I can't see a way out, I sure as shit can't go back to the gold coast - I can't pay the mortgage on that place on my own and if we sell it my half certainly wouldn't buy me anything else and I damn well know he would never work and wouldn't pay child support.
It makes me sad, I know the person he was and could be but for whatever reason he chooses this version of himself and/or won't get the help he needs
I am heartbroken
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Final Countdown
yes its on - the final countdown - the last time I will ever be pregnant, the last time I will feel a baby we have created move inside of me, the last time I will get to see my beautiful round belly.
I am trying not to be too sad about it and look at it as the beginning of the next stage of our lives, not entirely succeeding but getting there. I love being pregnant - it is the only time I feel awesome about my body and think I am truly beautiful - love it
I am much more stressed about this birth I have to say, all but one of my previous births were at the same hospital, the place I worked, so I was so comfortable - I knew everyone from the theatre trackers taking me to theatre to the ladies delivering my meals, to the doctors, nurses etc. This time we are in a new place in a hospital I have never been to and know no-one, to say I have had some sleepless night would be an understatement.
Today in recognition of that next stage beginning I had my long hair cut off into a very short style - to me who is pretty much a chicken with these things and worry endlessly about how it will look it is a big step and I am very proud of myself. Its only hair and it will grow is my new motto :)
will post pics soon
I am trying not to be too sad about it and look at it as the beginning of the next stage of our lives, not entirely succeeding but getting there. I love being pregnant - it is the only time I feel awesome about my body and think I am truly beautiful - love it
I am much more stressed about this birth I have to say, all but one of my previous births were at the same hospital, the place I worked, so I was so comfortable - I knew everyone from the theatre trackers taking me to theatre to the ladies delivering my meals, to the doctors, nurses etc. This time we are in a new place in a hospital I have never been to and know no-one, to say I have had some sleepless night would be an understatement.
Today in recognition of that next stage beginning I had my long hair cut off into a very short style - to me who is pretty much a chicken with these things and worry endlessly about how it will look it is a big step and I am very proud of myself. Its only hair and it will grow is my new motto :)
will post pics soon
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Update
I have had all kinds of good intentions to come and blog about the little things that have been happening but as you can see good intention count for nothing :)
So here I am all set to do a quick update, and try to make my stupid pregnant brain think of some of the things I have wanted to say lately
okay firstly, the decluttering has hit a bit of a standstill i think the only things I have to add to my previous list was - 1 pair of jeans re purposed into 4 patchwork cushions and a bag thing for me to put all my unfinished/mending jobs, and 6 books - taking the total number of items decluttered to 60 - not too bad, I think I am pretty much staying on target :)
I have also spent some time thinking lately about things I would like to learn this year and I do have a little list
- make my own soap
- basic quilting
- magic loop method of knitting
- shirring
- make my own cheese
- improve my non-existent gardening skills
I think that that is really enough for 1 year, and I do really hope to achieve all of that, especially since I will be having 4 months off work (hopefully longer), admittedly it will involve mainly caring for a newborn but no work = more time in my book anyway :)
and my last piece of happy news is that I have bought myself a kindle ( ereader from Amazon) and am waiting patiently for it to arrive - should be this week. So I hope to read lots of things, especially about those things on my learning list. Yes I could buy the books and read them but I rarely go shopping for anything other than food for one and for 2 I can't justify the cost of books to very often read once only, not only the environmental impact of printing books etc.
And now to the unhappy things - I am definitely too old for this pregnancy thing, in all 5 of my previous pregnancies I have literally breezed through them with barely an ache or pain, this time however is vastly different - my hips, pelvis and back ache constantly and I am forever tired and unhappy - I feel like I never stop whinging (and I am sure my family feel that too), Yes Yes I know i am still doing it pretty easy compared to some, I don't want to sound ungrateful but this is unchartered territory for me.
This last thought is a biggy - not even sure I can write it down adequately. I am feeling like I have made a mistake with my life. I think I maybe have too many children that I am not doing a good job of parenting, I am not giving them all that they need and want from me and now with another on the way, its only going to get worse. I have a difficult husband ( to put it nicely) who is little to no help a lot of the time and most days leaves me wondering why he wanted children at all. And that's all I am going to say right now, I can't pour my feelings out for one reason or another so will just leave it there for now. I am sure I will be back to examine this topic another time.
oh and a final thing January RAOK - tick that one off :)
So here I am all set to do a quick update, and try to make my stupid pregnant brain think of some of the things I have wanted to say lately
okay firstly, the decluttering has hit a bit of a standstill i think the only things I have to add to my previous list was - 1 pair of jeans re purposed into 4 patchwork cushions and a bag thing for me to put all my unfinished/mending jobs, and 6 books - taking the total number of items decluttered to 60 - not too bad, I think I am pretty much staying on target :)
I have also spent some time thinking lately about things I would like to learn this year and I do have a little list
- make my own soap
- basic quilting
- magic loop method of knitting
- shirring
- make my own cheese
- improve my non-existent gardening skills
I think that that is really enough for 1 year, and I do really hope to achieve all of that, especially since I will be having 4 months off work (hopefully longer), admittedly it will involve mainly caring for a newborn but no work = more time in my book anyway :)
and my last piece of happy news is that I have bought myself a kindle ( ereader from Amazon) and am waiting patiently for it to arrive - should be this week. So I hope to read lots of things, especially about those things on my learning list. Yes I could buy the books and read them but I rarely go shopping for anything other than food for one and for 2 I can't justify the cost of books to very often read once only, not only the environmental impact of printing books etc.
And now to the unhappy things - I am definitely too old for this pregnancy thing, in all 5 of my previous pregnancies I have literally breezed through them with barely an ache or pain, this time however is vastly different - my hips, pelvis and back ache constantly and I am forever tired and unhappy - I feel like I never stop whinging (and I am sure my family feel that too), Yes Yes I know i am still doing it pretty easy compared to some, I don't want to sound ungrateful but this is unchartered territory for me.
This last thought is a biggy - not even sure I can write it down adequately. I am feeling like I have made a mistake with my life. I think I maybe have too many children that I am not doing a good job of parenting, I am not giving them all that they need and want from me and now with another on the way, its only going to get worse. I have a difficult husband ( to put it nicely) who is little to no help a lot of the time and most days leaves me wondering why he wanted children at all. And that's all I am going to say right now, I can't pour my feelings out for one reason or another so will just leave it there for now. I am sure I will be back to examine this topic another time.
oh and a final thing January RAOK - tick that one off :)
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