Proud

So who knew when I said those words - for better or worse - that the worse would surely be tested well and truly, it often feels like we have had far more worse than better, but we are still here battling on despite the trials and tribulations of failed business, mental illness and 6 kids amongst other things.

Well this week has been a happy week that for the first time in a quite a while, the man has made me proud :) - first he started doing volunteer work at Lifeline with a view to going back to work, you have no idea how much this means to me - even if he doesn't get paid work out of it (which btw would be awesome and take the burden of being the provider for our family off me and would allow me to only work part time of maybe I can dream about being a SAHM) but it gets him out of the house and interacting with real people again and maybe just maybe we have crossed to the other side of the mental illness hurdle.

The other thing totally took me by surprise and bought a tear to me eye, lets start with a bit of background. If you have read this blog you will know I commited myself to doing 12 RAOK this year, well I was cruising along sitting at 5 or 6 I have lost track, well let me just say Darren has taken the bull by the horns and run with the idea and I think with one little act this week and trumped me hands down in the giving dept.

We went to Aldi to pick up a couple of things, I stayed in the car with the 3 boys while he ran in, when he came out i turned to see him talking to a lady at her car, didn't think anymore of it, when he came over I said whio was that, did you know her. He said no - she was nice to me in the shop, she was polite and gave me the biggest smile. He looked at her shopping and saw she only had basic items in there as so many pensioners do these days. So after he had paid, he saw he in the carpark, went over to her, asked her if she liked chocolate biscuits - well who doesn't of course she did so he gave her the packet of Aldi tim tams he had just bought, just because she was nice to him. I only wish I could have seen her face. But it makes my heart smile - I hope it did the same for her.

one step forward......

10 steps backwards. Thats how I feel today, just when I saw it, that tiny glimmering, shiny light at the end of the tunnel, its gone and I am plunged back into darkness, alone, scared and just plain tired. I can't see my way out, I know its there somewhere - probably closer than I realise but still too far.. In reality if I am truly honest with myself I know what I should do, but for some reason I can't. I am changed,I will never be the same again, is that a good thing? The jury is still out, if it takes this experience to make me wake up to reality, to make me see the light then ok I can probably deal with it and come out the other side stronger, tougher and more myself than I have ever been but on the other hand its possible hell its even probable that I will do nothing, learn nothing and still be in the same place years from now moaning about my messed up life.

So what is the answer, the magical solution........I wish in knew.......


and oh Happy Mothers Day........yeah right!!!!!