knitting

I made this for mum for her birthday which was yesterday. Its my first attempt at a shawl/wrap thing this is the pattern I used http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/traveling-woman . I really hope she likes it - my family is not renowned for their love of my homemade things - I have in fact many times vowed never to make anything for anybody again. So we will see how well it is received when I see her tomorrow - keep your fingers crossed for me. I will be really disappointed if its a failure as a gift - I put a lot of time into it and while its not perfect I am still pleased with the end result.

And now on a sour note - for those that feel the need to question me - yes I have 2 blogs - this one while I will share what I have written from time to time on facebook it is a place for me to write whatever I like. None of my family, workmates or some friends do not know about this one, nor are they facebook friends so I feel free to rant rave and curse about my life, my job or whatever takes my fancy.

So while I don't need to explain myself I have so please stop questioning me

Mish Mash

as per title this post is a bit of a mish mash of happenings

so lets start with the most important - I am now mum to 6 little monkeys.

Sawyer Phoenix was born on 4/3/11 weighing 7 pound 13ounces - our smallest baby by a long shot. I am putting it down to a more stressful, difficult pregnancy but he is super healthy so who cares about the rest now

 He is just perfect and beautiful and I am so in love with this latest little miracle, and still feeling those little pangs of sadness that each day I will never again have a baby this age again. I think about it everyday but I do know in my heart it is the best decision for any number of reasons.

so now that I have introduced my little sausage man to you all i suppose I could update on some of the other things happening around this place.

The big one for me is finally after having moved 14 months ago now we have finally decided to make our departure from the Gold Coast permanent and sell the house. This was a very hard decision and we almost went back but at the end of the day the main we moved out of the city to have more financial freedom to allow me to stop working fulltime and give the kids a better life, those desires haven't changed so the only way to do that is to be away from there. Keep your fingers crossed the house sells for the right price and in turn we can buy what we want at a great price.

On a smaller scale with my goals for the year well hmmmm lets just say things have stalled a little

- my RAOK goal  - I have some catching up to do, my current tally is 2 but am looking to rectify that shortly

- decluttering goal - more catching up I think although I did just take a bag of 30 items of clothing to lifeline last week - that takes my total to 90 items and I do have a crapload of baby girls things to get rid of still!!!!!!

as far as my list of things I want to learn goes well I have done a lot of research into soap making and quilting so I am confident I will achieve those goals soon

and some gratuitous photos of the monkeys cos I can lol

That sinking feeling

** WARNING ** this post will contain prolific swearing, if you don't like it, don't read it - simple

I know I should be here writing about the birth of my beautiful son - and I will - but right now I am not in that head space and I need to write my feelings down or I may kill someone.

I have that sinking feeling that my marriage may be over, I don't feel it anymore, all I feel is empty, used, and let down and I am tired of the constant battle, I am scared that it might just be not worth the fight anymore.

I don't know what to do or say to him to make him fucking wake up to himself and see what he is doing to us, not just me - all of us. The worst part is - he knows, he already fucking knows and all I can assume is that he doesn't care about any of us. Surely if he did then he would get up of his fat arse and do something, anything. Yes I know he has issues but I am sick of making excuses for his behaviour and trying to get him to help himself .

He doesn't deserve us, not any of us but you know if it was just about me well then so be it - but you know what it is my job to protect these beautiful children and quite frankly I am not. I am scared to death that between the 2 of us we are seriously fucking these kids up - I am far from the perfect mother, and I mean really far but I care enough to want to improve, to want my kids to be the best people they can be. He just doesn't seem to give a rats arse and continues to abuse abuse abuse. That really stings... just writing it, facing up to it, owning it....he is abusive.....there I said it.

But the million dollar question is then - what next? I know what people would say.....just leave! Its just not that simple - there are 6 children, where do I go, how do I get there, how do I pay the bills, live????????
Its irresponsible and unfair to stay for convenience but I can't see a way out, I sure as shit can't go back to the gold coast - I can't pay the mortgage on that place on my own and if we sell it my half certainly wouldn't buy me anything else and I damn well know he would never work and wouldn't pay child support.

It makes me sad, I know the person he was and could be but for whatever reason he chooses this version of himself and/or won't get the help he needs

I am heartbroken