That sinking feeling

** WARNING ** this post will contain prolific swearing, if you don't like it, don't read it - simple

I know I should be here writing about the birth of my beautiful son - and I will - but right now I am not in that head space and I need to write my feelings down or I may kill someone.

I have that sinking feeling that my marriage may be over, I don't feel it anymore, all I feel is empty, used, and let down and I am tired of the constant battle, I am scared that it might just be not worth the fight anymore.

I don't know what to do or say to him to make him fucking wake up to himself and see what he is doing to us, not just me - all of us. The worst part is - he knows, he already fucking knows and all I can assume is that he doesn't care about any of us. Surely if he did then he would get up of his fat arse and do something, anything. Yes I know he has issues but I am sick of making excuses for his behaviour and trying to get him to help himself .

He doesn't deserve us, not any of us but you know if it was just about me well then so be it - but you know what it is my job to protect these beautiful children and quite frankly I am not. I am scared to death that between the 2 of us we are seriously fucking these kids up - I am far from the perfect mother, and I mean really far but I care enough to want to improve, to want my kids to be the best people they can be. He just doesn't seem to give a rats arse and continues to abuse abuse abuse. That really stings... just writing it, facing up to it, owning it....he is abusive.....there I said it.

But the million dollar question is then - what next? I know what people would say.....just leave! Its just not that simple - there are 6 children, where do I go, how do I get there, how do I pay the bills, live????????
Its irresponsible and unfair to stay for convenience but I can't see a way out, I sure as shit can't go back to the gold coast - I can't pay the mortgage on that place on my own and if we sell it my half certainly wouldn't buy me anything else and I damn well know he would never work and wouldn't pay child support.

It makes me sad, I know the person he was and could be but for whatever reason he chooses this version of himself and/or won't get the help he needs

I am heartbroken