its my birthday.........

and I'll cry if I want to

so don't ask my why but I am blaming it on the hormones, but I have had a very emotional day, spending the day alternating between tears and anger and you know what I don't like it.

I want my old even tempered, calm, happy temperament back

at the moment happiness seems like an oasis in the desert....I just don't seem to be able to reach it. Why is this? I should be blissfully happy, I have 5 beautiful children and soon to be 6, a loving husband who granted is not perfect but hey neither am I, a job that pays the bills and keeps the wolves at bay, a roof over our heads, food on the table, the list of things to be thankful for is endless. So why do i feel like this????

I just want to step back from it all and live in the moment and smile and laugh, you know one of those big belly laughs, it feels like I haven't done that in ages.

My days are an endless cycle of get up scream, yell, curse at the kids to get ready for school, do the chores, be a little quieter, stop fighting with your brother/sister etc etc etc, leave for work, sit at work counting down the hours until I come home to start the screaming and yelling all over again...have a bath, do your homework, eat your dinner, round and round it goes

I think it boils down to at least in part to......I don't think I like myself very much anymore......well there it is, out there for all to see.

But what is the next step......I don't know how to fix it, how to be happy, or how to just relax

How do I get ME back?