Proud

So who knew when I said those words - for better or worse - that the worse would surely be tested well and truly, it often feels like we have had far more worse than better, but we are still here battling on despite the trials and tribulations of failed business, mental illness and 6 kids amongst other things.

Well this week has been a happy week that for the first time in a quite a while, the man has made me proud :) - first he started doing volunteer work at Lifeline with a view to going back to work, you have no idea how much this means to me - even if he doesn't get paid work out of it (which btw would be awesome and take the burden of being the provider for our family off me and would allow me to only work part time of maybe I can dream about being a SAHM) but it gets him out of the house and interacting with real people again and maybe just maybe we have crossed to the other side of the mental illness hurdle.

The other thing totally took me by surprise and bought a tear to me eye, lets start with a bit of background. If you have read this blog you will know I commited myself to doing 12 RAOK this year, well I was cruising along sitting at 5 or 6 I have lost track, well let me just say Darren has taken the bull by the horns and run with the idea and I think with one little act this week and trumped me hands down in the giving dept.

We went to Aldi to pick up a couple of things, I stayed in the car with the 3 boys while he ran in, when he came out i turned to see him talking to a lady at her car, didn't think anymore of it, when he came over I said whio was that, did you know her. He said no - she was nice to me in the shop, she was polite and gave me the biggest smile. He looked at her shopping and saw she only had basic items in there as so many pensioners do these days. So after he had paid, he saw he in the carpark, went over to her, asked her if she liked chocolate biscuits - well who doesn't of course she did so he gave her the packet of Aldi tim tams he had just bought, just because she was nice to him. I only wish I could have seen her face. But it makes my heart smile - I hope it did the same for her.

one step forward......

10 steps backwards. Thats how I feel today, just when I saw it, that tiny glimmering, shiny light at the end of the tunnel, its gone and I am plunged back into darkness, alone, scared and just plain tired. I can't see my way out, I know its there somewhere - probably closer than I realise but still too far.. In reality if I am truly honest with myself I know what I should do, but for some reason I can't. I am changed,I will never be the same again, is that a good thing? The jury is still out, if it takes this experience to make me wake up to reality, to make me see the light then ok I can probably deal with it and come out the other side stronger, tougher and more myself than I have ever been but on the other hand its possible hell its even probable that I will do nothing, learn nothing and still be in the same place years from now moaning about my messed up life.

So what is the answer, the magical solution........I wish in knew.......


and oh Happy Mothers Day........yeah right!!!!!

knitting

I made this for mum for her birthday which was yesterday. Its my first attempt at a shawl/wrap thing this is the pattern I used http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/traveling-woman . I really hope she likes it - my family is not renowned for their love of my homemade things - I have in fact many times vowed never to make anything for anybody again. So we will see how well it is received when I see her tomorrow - keep your fingers crossed for me. I will be really disappointed if its a failure as a gift - I put a lot of time into it and while its not perfect I am still pleased with the end result.

And now on a sour note - for those that feel the need to question me - yes I have 2 blogs - this one while I will share what I have written from time to time on facebook it is a place for me to write whatever I like. None of my family, workmates or some friends do not know about this one, nor are they facebook friends so I feel free to rant rave and curse about my life, my job or whatever takes my fancy.

So while I don't need to explain myself I have so please stop questioning me

Mish Mash

as per title this post is a bit of a mish mash of happenings

so lets start with the most important - I am now mum to 6 little monkeys.

Sawyer Phoenix was born on 4/3/11 weighing 7 pound 13ounces - our smallest baby by a long shot. I am putting it down to a more stressful, difficult pregnancy but he is super healthy so who cares about the rest now

 He is just perfect and beautiful and I am so in love with this latest little miracle, and still feeling those little pangs of sadness that each day I will never again have a baby this age again. I think about it everyday but I do know in my heart it is the best decision for any number of reasons.

so now that I have introduced my little sausage man to you all i suppose I could update on some of the other things happening around this place.

The big one for me is finally after having moved 14 months ago now we have finally decided to make our departure from the Gold Coast permanent and sell the house. This was a very hard decision and we almost went back but at the end of the day the main we moved out of the city to have more financial freedom to allow me to stop working fulltime and give the kids a better life, those desires haven't changed so the only way to do that is to be away from there. Keep your fingers crossed the house sells for the right price and in turn we can buy what we want at a great price.

On a smaller scale with my goals for the year well hmmmm lets just say things have stalled a little

- my RAOK goal  - I have some catching up to do, my current tally is 2 but am looking to rectify that shortly

- decluttering goal - more catching up I think although I did just take a bag of 30 items of clothing to lifeline last week - that takes my total to 90 items and I do have a crapload of baby girls things to get rid of still!!!!!!

as far as my list of things I want to learn goes well I have done a lot of research into soap making and quilting so I am confident I will achieve those goals soon

and some gratuitous photos of the monkeys cos I can lol

That sinking feeling

** WARNING ** this post will contain prolific swearing, if you don't like it, don't read it - simple

I know I should be here writing about the birth of my beautiful son - and I will - but right now I am not in that head space and I need to write my feelings down or I may kill someone.

I have that sinking feeling that my marriage may be over, I don't feel it anymore, all I feel is empty, used, and let down and I am tired of the constant battle, I am scared that it might just be not worth the fight anymore.

I don't know what to do or say to him to make him fucking wake up to himself and see what he is doing to us, not just me - all of us. The worst part is - he knows, he already fucking knows and all I can assume is that he doesn't care about any of us. Surely if he did then he would get up of his fat arse and do something, anything. Yes I know he has issues but I am sick of making excuses for his behaviour and trying to get him to help himself .

He doesn't deserve us, not any of us but you know if it was just about me well then so be it - but you know what it is my job to protect these beautiful children and quite frankly I am not. I am scared to death that between the 2 of us we are seriously fucking these kids up - I am far from the perfect mother, and I mean really far but I care enough to want to improve, to want my kids to be the best people they can be. He just doesn't seem to give a rats arse and continues to abuse abuse abuse. That really stings... just writing it, facing up to it, owning it....he is abusive.....there I said it.

But the million dollar question is then - what next? I know what people would say.....just leave! Its just not that simple - there are 6 children, where do I go, how do I get there, how do I pay the bills, live????????
Its irresponsible and unfair to stay for convenience but I can't see a way out, I sure as shit can't go back to the gold coast - I can't pay the mortgage on that place on my own and if we sell it my half certainly wouldn't buy me anything else and I damn well know he would never work and wouldn't pay child support.

It makes me sad, I know the person he was and could be but for whatever reason he chooses this version of himself and/or won't get the help he needs

I am heartbroken

The Final Countdown

yes its on - the final countdown - the last time I will ever be pregnant, the last time I will feel a baby we have created move inside of me, the last time I will get to see my beautiful round belly.

I am trying not to be too sad about it and look at it as the beginning of the next stage of our lives, not entirely succeeding but getting there. I love being pregnant - it is the only time I feel awesome about my body and think I am truly beautiful - love it

I am much more stressed about this birth I have to say, all but one of my previous births were at the same hospital, the place I worked, so I was so comfortable - I knew everyone from the theatre trackers taking me to theatre to the ladies delivering my meals, to the doctors, nurses etc. This time we are in a new place in a hospital I have never been to and know no-one, to say I have had some sleepless night would be an understatement.

Today in recognition of that next stage beginning I had my long hair cut off into a very short style - to me who is pretty much a chicken with these things and worry endlessly about how it will look it is a big step and I am very proud of myself. Its only hair and it will grow is my new motto :)

will post pics soon

Update

I have had all kinds of good intentions to come and blog about the little things that have been happening but as you can see good intention count for nothing :)

So here I am all set to do a quick update, and try to make my stupid pregnant brain think of some of the things I have wanted to say lately

okay firstly, the decluttering has hit a bit of a standstill i think the only things I have to add to my previous list was - 1 pair of jeans re purposed into 4 patchwork cushions and a bag thing for me to put all my unfinished/mending jobs, and 6 books - taking the total number of items decluttered to 60 - not too bad, I think I am pretty much staying on target :)

I have also spent some time thinking lately about things I would like to learn this year and I do have a little list

 - make my own soap
 - basic quilting
 - magic loop method of knitting
 - shirring
 - make my own cheese
 - improve my non-existent gardening skills

I think that that is really enough for 1 year, and I do really hope to achieve all of that, especially since I will be having 4 months off work (hopefully longer), admittedly it will involve mainly caring for a newborn but no work = more time in my book anyway :)

and my last piece of happy news is that I have bought myself a kindle ( ereader from Amazon) and am waiting patiently for it to arrive - should be this week. So I hope to read lots of things, especially about those things on my learning list. Yes I could buy the books and read them but I rarely go shopping for anything other than food for one and for 2 I can't justify the cost of books to very often read once only, not only the environmental impact of printing books etc.

And now to the unhappy things - I am definitely too old for this pregnancy thing, in all 5 of my previous pregnancies I have literally breezed through them with barely an ache or pain, this time however is vastly different - my hips, pelvis and back ache constantly and I am forever tired and unhappy - I feel like I never stop whinging (and I am sure my family feel that too), Yes Yes I know i am still doing it pretty easy compared to some, I don't want to sound ungrateful but this is unchartered territory for me.

This last thought is a biggy - not even sure I can write it down adequately. I am feeling like I have made a mistake with my life. I think I maybe have too many children that I am not doing a good job of parenting, I am not giving them all that they need and want from me and now with another on the way, its only going to get worse. I have a difficult husband ( to put it nicely) who is little to no help a lot of the time and most days leaves me wondering why he wanted children at all. And that's all I am going to say right now, I can't pour my feelings out for one reason or another so will just leave it there for now. I am sure I will be back to examine this topic another time.

oh and a final thing January RAOK - tick that one off :)

no words.......

I can't express how I am feeling about the terrible tragedy that is/has unfolded in QLD in the last 2 weeks or so. This week the unthinkable happened Toowoomba - yes the same Toowoomba 2000 feet above sea level flooded - don't ask me how I do not know. I will never comprehend the things I saw that day - the much published description of inland tsnumai was very very accurate. The worst thing is we were the lucky ones up here, yes there was some heartbreaking loss of life but the real hit was taken by the towns at the base of the range and lockyer valley - what they have endured is just devastating and honestly if it was me I do not know how I would move on from that.
These communities had no warning unlike Brisbane and Ipswich who had days to prepare themselves, these people were swept away in the blink of an eye with not a seconds notice, how is that right, fair or just. I do not know.
The aftermath of the Toowoomba flood ( and many other areas from what I understand) is ridiculous panic buying, people taking everything insight from the supermarket shelves, we had no need or desire to go to the shops, we were confident the roads would be open within a week and guess what, when we did venture out today - 5 days later there was milk and bread in the shop - very limited and god forbid I wanted pasta or butter or the like, but supplies were there. I did buy some milk cos this big fat pregnant woman has the worst craving for milk ( we usually use powdered so milk wasn't an issue for us ).
Apparently petrol is in short supply too, but we haven't needed it yet either. It is much worse up north however with no supplies getting through, I hope the roads open for everyone soon.

on a lighter note - this was in a fraser coast paper in response to someone suggesting people make their own bread - i still can't believe people aren't aware you can actually make it yourself

But I assume it comes out of the oven as one solid mass. How do you then cut it into slices?

really I kid you not

what more can I say after that

feeling special

This is what I received in the mail today - the picture just doesn't do it justice, its beautiful and in my favourite colour too. The catch is I have no idea who it is from the Aus post satchel just said RAOK.

I am feeling awesome which is why i wanted to do some RAOK's myself but someone beat me to it :). I certainly don't feel like I deserve it, despite good intentions I don't feel like I have ever done some nice for someone for no reason. Not something I am particularly proud to admit but sadly its true, in the past I have spent too much time thinking how bad we have it blah blah blah when in reality we are truly blessed and don't really know hardship, suffering or loss. I have never touched someones life for the better or made the world happier but all that is about to change - watch out world :)

So mystery person, THANKYOU, I can't tell you how you have made my day in so many ways. It was just what I needed.

off to a flying start

with the decluttering that is.....

okey dokey so far i have decluttered

12 odd socks from the washing basket
1 old video player
2 bags rubbish/broken toys from the toy room
1 bag assorted kids clothes - probably could've counted them all individually but i did actually do this in 2010 but didn't put them in the donation bin until yesterday
2 pairs jeans - repurposed into a quilt for moo man
8 old/unused toys
26 items from my wardrobe
1 old sheet with holes

total so far = 53/365

so doing well for day 2 of the year

when I get around to getting on the desktop computer I will load up some photos of the quilt I have experimented with out of 2 pairs of old jeans and some scrap material. I am not just chucking stuff out and donating things I also want to repurpose some of the things I have as well - hence trying to make a quilt out of stuff I already had lying around. It would make actual quilters die from the horror of it but it was really experimental and given me an idea whether it is something I would like to do more of and yes I think it is.

Stay tuned for the photos

News years Resolution number 3

ROAK's or random acts of kindness. I am going to aim for 1 a month for 2011. I often sit around feeling sorry for myself and wishing this, that or the other was different but you know what we are truly blessed in so many ways, far too many to count.

So in 2011 by aim is to keep remembering how lucky we are by giving to those who might be doing it tough

anyone want to join me in this challenge and try to make the world a happier place for everyone

and PS - the decluttering has begun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Years resolution number 2

okay probably not so much of a resolution but a challenge.....My challenge for 2011 is to declutter 1 item per day, so 365 items for the year.

Anyone wanna join me in this, not only will we feel good about how uncluttered our house will be but also by donating/regifting/recycling or repurposing the item will be will doing our bit for the less fortunate and the environment

And as a disclaimer, this was NOT my idea, I wish it was, but I read about it on a forum i like to read http://downtoearthforums.com/forum.php

anyhoo I will try to keep a record of how I am going on here, so feel free to play along with me and we can keep each other motivated

New years resolution number one

this is something I have been thinking about for quite a while but today I got a little wake up call ( really a rather large slap in the face).

Good Friends lost their sister today, far too young and leaving behind 5 beautiful children so in memory of her and what she went through -

 my first resolution is to try harder to live in the moment, enjoy all the little things i seem to take for granted, just the everyday stuff. I feel like I spend too much time fussing and worrying about stupid insignificant stuff, like the dishes, washing etc and not just enjoying the sound of my childrens laughter. I have already whinged enough about how I hate my job and would give everything to be at home - so then why when I am at home do I brush aside the loving cuddles of my children because the dishes need doing or similar. I am an idiot, yep I said it, who gives a rats arse about the dishes when I can spend time with the best things I have ever created. Time is short so from this moment on I am going to make the most of it.....I may need to come back and read this from time to time but that is the plan.

officially done

the christmas shopping that is........well not really but I have done all I am going to do and the last remaining things are being left for MrD.
I still have to make a couple of superhero capes but that shouldn't take too long and then wrap but my shopping trips are done. I think I would have done maybe 50% online and next year I aim to do more that way, so much easier that traipsing around the shops and I am not much of a shopper at the best of times :)

Right now I am downloading New Moon for MrD instead of buying it at the shops.....hello 21st century, this is the first time I have ever done that so pat on the back for me. Although it does seem my internet is not as fast as I thought it was and it is taking an eternity and not sure I can keep him away from the computer for as long as it is going to take but meh its less than a week to go so if he finds out I can live with it :)

and you wonder why I'm crazy

 This is what happens when you leave a certain 18 month old alone for about 10 seconds

Yep there goes about 5kg of bread flour, and what worse this isn't the first time. Needless to say the pantry now has a lock. After 5 children I have finally had to baby proof. I swear by the time this next baby comes Macallum will have either sent me completely bald or totally grey......the jury is still out.

At least he had fun I guess....every cloud has a silver lining so they say :)

no words ........

today is a sad day, not for me, I found out today a very special friend of mine is going through a terrible heartbreaking time. I have never met this lovely lady in real life, we have become friends over the internet, but i do feel she is a very special person who I am proud to call my friend.

I do not know how to help her although i know I can't really help or ease her pain I feel an overwhelming urge to do something, anything......but what.

No one should have to go through this, but sadly people do everyday......so today while my friend suffers, I am feeling incredibly blessed that I have never experienced what no mother should ever have to.

thinking of you Sarah, and sending you love and strength to help you get through this

xxx

Santa Claus is coming to town

todays thought revolves around for want of a better word...the Santa Lie

so lately I have been questioning whether we should have ever introduced the conept of Santa to the kids at all.

On one hand, Christmas is a magical time for children and Santa is a pretty harmless concept I guess so why not enjoy all the magic christmas can offer.

On the other hand, why does the magic have to revolve around Santa. Santa as we see him ( i.e the fat man in the red suit ) is basically a commercial creation of coca cola. And those who know me know how I feel about all things commercial. And I despise the bribery of children as in " you better be good or there will be no presents from Santa" and the like.

What I would have prefered to have done is tell the story of Saint Nick and how the tradition came about, and the truth, no Santa, no magic flying reindeers and no elves.

Still all the fun, gifts, family, friends, and tree just no Santa

But since we have already established the Santa story in this house what I will be focussing on now is about the giving and receiving at christmas. I want my children to give and not just to expect the gifts at Christmas just because Santa comes. Santa will be giving the kids books this year, the other gifts we will be taking the credit for :), and in return the children will be expect to give a gift to someone less fortunate. I think the older ones are in particular old enough to understand this and also take some responsibility for choosing the recipients of their gifts.

But maybe all my anti Santa this year is all about my decidiedly Bah Humbug feeling this year.

I am trying to get into the spirit I really am :)

its my birthday.........

and I'll cry if I want to

so don't ask my why but I am blaming it on the hormones, but I have had a very emotional day, spending the day alternating between tears and anger and you know what I don't like it.

I want my old even tempered, calm, happy temperament back

at the moment happiness seems like an oasis in the desert....I just don't seem to be able to reach it. Why is this? I should be blissfully happy, I have 5 beautiful children and soon to be 6, a loving husband who granted is not perfect but hey neither am I, a job that pays the bills and keeps the wolves at bay, a roof over our heads, food on the table, the list of things to be thankful for is endless. So why do i feel like this????

I just want to step back from it all and live in the moment and smile and laugh, you know one of those big belly laughs, it feels like I haven't done that in ages.

My days are an endless cycle of get up scream, yell, curse at the kids to get ready for school, do the chores, be a little quieter, stop fighting with your brother/sister etc etc etc, leave for work, sit at work counting down the hours until I come home to start the screaming and yelling all over again...have a bath, do your homework, eat your dinner, round and round it goes

I think it boils down to at least in part to......I don't think I like myself very much anymore......well there it is, out there for all to see.

But what is the next step......I don't know how to fix it, how to be happy, or how to just relax

How do I get ME back?

more of the same

okay so i did have plans of coming in here today and talking about something different, but i will have to save that for tomorrow because i need to have another work whinge.......have i mentioned how much i dislike my boss, she makes life there unbearable.

I need to do some serious rethinking of my life, my job, my family.....well everything really.

I have never wanted to move to a long way from civilisation so we could be mortgage free and well just free in general and not such a slave to the man, I want the kids to have access to, well everything really if they want it, so hence being away but not too far away if you get what i mean. But now i am thinking at what point do i save my sanity, is it better for the kids to have access to any opportunity they want or to have a happy not so much of a bitch mother.

And then after that thought comes the second guessing myself, maybe my hippy, happy life of growing, making and doing things my own way is just a silly pipe dream and that i will hate that just as much and then what. We would have sold our house to move to the middle of nowhere to an area which is probably not a sound investment and ruin our chances of ever going back.

The obvious solution I guess would be just to look for a new job, but honestly I don't think that is the answer...I don't love my job, I'm not even sure I like it anymore but as MrD says it does pay okay.

So where does that leave me......well right now I guess I need a big dose of suck it up princess

breathe deeply and remind myself 11 weeks and 2 days until maternity leave..........

new one

okay so this is my new blog......basically i needed ANOTHER outlet to express myself where some of my family, work people and the like can't see. Something just for me in other words to just blurt all the seriously crazy thoughts in my head out without having to edit myself for fear of what those reading will think.

Today was a seriously craptacular work day, one of those when you wonder why you bother and start dreaming of a different life. Who am I kidding I dream of not working EVERY day whether its a good or bad day at work.

My boss is THE most unprofessional woman I think I have ever met, days like today I seriously have to bite my tongue to stop me telling her exactly what i think. And it annoys me 10x more that she thinks she is pretty red hot and is actually helping the extrememly awful dynamics of our little office. I am finding it an extremely draining place to work, and this is a perfect example of the grass not being greener on the other side, but I think i will leave that story for another day

I can't believe how much I have changed, when I had my first couple of children I couldn't imagine not working at all, it was important to me. These days despite having a better paying, more responsible totally different line of work there is nothing I would like more than to be a fulltime SAHM.
I have decided that i would be happy to work 2 days or at a push 3, and then develop my own business of some type. I want to craft, garden, read books, finger paint, sew, knit etc etc etc, the list is endless until the cows come home.

more to come ..........